Thoughts on Porn

I have recently been confronted with something no-one feels comfortable about - the truth about myself. Or an aspect of myself at least. I suspect everyone has secrets hidden in their souls of which they are not proud, their own secret shames, but sometimes such dark thoughts begin to affect those we care about. At this point there is a choice - drag out your demons and expunge them in the light or distance yourself from those you love and continue on your road to moral ambiguity.

Self examination is always a painful process but if you have the courage (and I don't, always) it can be a liberating one. In making my own adjustments to who I am, this semi public forum may allow me in some part absolution.

I am male. I have watched, and enjoyed, porn.

These two statements must almost be synonymous, which in light of my very recent exploration is a very sad thing. I am ashamed.

Porn is not a victimless crime. This you have heard before, it has perhaps become trite, but let me continue.

Victim #1 - The consumer.
The power of porn is the ability of the consumer to accept the illusions it creates. I liken it to the philosophy of vegetarianism. The majority of the population of the world consumes meat. Completely apart from the nutritional arguments against this, and there are many, although they are not well known, to my mind it is not a mentally healthy person who can look at a calf or a lamb and feel the desire to slaughter it and consume its flesh, particularly in a society where fresh vegetables, grains and nuts are abundantly available. So people choose not to think about it. They disassociate mentally from the idea that the lamb chop, steak or drumstick on their plate once came from the animal that you just petted at the zoo. I believe men do the same thing with porn. It is a product, you buy it in a package off the shelf. Even better these days, anonymously over the internet, so noone else can confront you with your illusions. So where is the harm in a little illusion? for starters, anyone who is living a lie is not living in the real world and is therefore missing out on the wonderful experiences available. This is an empty, unfulfilling existence. The real world is perhaps harder, but the rewards are much greater. The illusion of a loaf of bread may look great, but it will not satisfy your hunger. So you look to the real world to provide you with the real thing. Only porn doesn't exist in the real world, your expectations are skewed and this can lead to frustration and be incredibly destructive to relationships. I should know, I've been there, but I was too stupid to fully recognise it. Porn creates expectations that are unreal and harmful. It creates the expectation that women are sexually submissive, and sex becomes about power rather than love. It suggests that pain is an erotic form of pleasure. I suggest you punch yourself in the testicles and see how you go. If you orgasm, please seek help. Watching porn can lead men to become dysfunctional in their relationships with women. In this way the consumer becomes the victim. Can you enjoy porn and still distinguish between fantasy and reality and therefore maintain a successful relationship? Possibly, but the consumer is not the only victim.

Victim #2 - The Partner
Any woman who knows that their partner is engaging in pornography, regardless of his behaviour sexually, must begin to wonder a number of things. Women, in all their glory (and they are glorious) do not look like porn stars. Porn stars are fabrications of male fantasies, no more real than the superhero we see at the movies. Therefore the woman must begin to question the expectations of the man. I don't look like that, I don't do things like that - he watches it, it's what he wants, does he still want me? Women have every right to expect that their partner sees something in them that he cannot get anywhere else, otherwise there is no sanctity in relationships. This hurts women. End of story. In today's society, with the objectification of women epidemic in mass media, self esteem issues are rampant amongst women. This is a sign of an unbalanced, unhealthy society, and as men we have no right to proliferate this viewpoint unless we choose to believe that women are less than men. I do not subscribe to this philosophy.
The woman then chooses to either deny the illusion or to perpetuate it out of her need for protection and "love". To take the second choice denies herself and leads further down the spiral toward self esteem problems and the denial of self. I for one do not want to be responsible for the psychological destruction of any woman. (Think I'm being melodramatic? Investigate further. The psyche is a fragile thing.) However, if you still maintain that a healthy relationship can be maintained in the presence of porn...

Victim #3 - The Sex Worker
A porn actress is a prostitute. She is paid for a sexual act. One could argue that porn is worse than prostitution - the woman involved is in one sense having sex with every man that watches the scene. Healthy sex cannot be disconnected from the emotions, else it becomes merely gratification and lust. Sex should be a connection between two people on a physical, emotional and spiritual level. This however is not an argument but simply a viewpoint. The facts are that women who work in the sex industry suffer both physical and psychological damage. They are alienated from healthy monogamous relationships, they are treated and portrayed as outlets for male lusts and are excluded from mainstream society. The words slut and whore are always derogatory. As my partner said to me, "Imagine if it was your sister." Porn stars, and prostitutes are human beings. They are somebody's sister, somebody's daughter, even somebody's wife. They do not exist within the illusion of porn, they merely create it. It is not any more real (or healthy) to them than it is within your relationship.

Conclusions

Would you marry a porn star? If the answer is yes you are very shallow. The pleasure of power and denigration do nothing for your own self esteem or self image. Down that path lies your own moral destruction. Most men who watch porn would say no. So why watch porn? Is there a societal expectation? Yes. It is a very masculine thing to do. That doesn't make it healthy, it is simply the marketing success of a billion dollar industry. Contrary to popular belief, cow's milk is very unhealthy to humans, but the dairy industry has succeeded in making it the societal norm to drink. It contains fats and hormones that the human body is ill equipped to digest, and it actually leeches as much calcium as it provides. But the dairy industry has everyone thinking otherwise so that they can make money.
Porn is basically about making money at the expense of human beings. It is little better than the slave trade, as its core product is the dehumanisation of people and the exploitation of man's (single gender) lust for power. Porn inflates the ego to ridiculous levels. All women lust for me and desire me so badly that I don't have to denigrate them - they will denigrate themselves. It's a heady idea. It is also inherently corrupt. It disallows equal relationships with the fairer sex and therefore creates empty realities for the consumer.

Does watching porn make you feel good? Yes. Apart from the above, it releases all the normal physiological effcts of normal sex, endorphins, adrenalin etc. But at what cost? It is a kind of psychological heroin - it feels good when you're on it, but you always come down, it's addictive, and in the end, destructive.

I choose admiration and respect for women. In the long run, the rewards are far better.